Ma'am is a four-letter word

Ma’am is a four-letter word and sir aspires to be.

I’m originally from the Deep South. Most people in the south think it is appropriate to teach their children to say ma’am and sir when addressing elders. They defend it staunchly. Even growing up entrenched in the custom I hated the practice and only used the words when I knew things would be worse for me if I didn’t. (Such as when dealing with strict Southern elementary school teachers who put in you the fear of physical pain or great humiliation.) In such cases that is fear and not respect. Many people confuse the two. Respect and fear may sometimes look alike but are mutually exclusive in my mind. I don’t fear anyone I respect and I don’t respect any one I fear.

I remember the first time someone called me ma’am. I was 26 and someone called me ma’am at a fast food drive through. I felt sick. OMG! How old do I look! I know some people will say that’s the result of a youth-obsessed culture and I need to get over the fact that I’m not a dewy-skinned youth. I’m well past that and I’ll revisit the age point later. To this day I still argue with my family about the sir/ma’am tradition. I ask them why they insist (often dogmatically) that their children say ma’am and sir. They say it shows respect, that it’s good manners… proper etiquette. Uh, huh.

So I ask the obvious: What is the purpose of etiquette? It is to make others feel more comfortable and to show respect for the people you are around.

Ok. So if you or your child saying ma’am and sir irritates, annoys or offends someone then it’s not etiquette is it? Therefore the etiquette excuse is bogus. How would you know which people to address as sir and ma’am and which ones would find it offensive? You don’t so you really need to examine what actually triggers your use of the words in each situation.

For example, my mother is in her 60’s. Like most other southerners she claims that she says ma’am and sir to show respect. She says it to older people. She often says it to people her own age. She does not say it to people younger than her (unless she is speaking to a doctor). So I asked her, “Do you really respect every person older than you?” I know she doesn’t. Let’s be honest. We all know older people who are just bankrupt of any redeeming good qualities. Why bestow respect upon someone just because they have managed to elude death? I also asked my mom, “Do you not respect good children or teens or young adults?” I know she does but you’ll never catch her saying ma’am or sir to an eight year old (unless it’s loaded with sarcasm which is most certainly not respectful).

So the use of ma’am and sir is not about respect. It’s about age. It’s about “respecting your elders” or at least making them think you do. But why? Of course, everyone should be regarded with a basic human respect. That’s the “love your neighbor” command and doesn’t universally elicit a sir or ma’am. Why should someone receive honor simply for aging? If you didn’t respect me when I was seven years old or 15 years old or 22 years old please don’t bother now. It’s not like I’m more honorable now. I’m not a better person now. I’m more battle scarred (aren’t we all). I’m more knowledgeable but only because I worked hard at it. Not everyone does. I know quite a few people decades older than me who are dumber than dirt. It’s a shame. Yet, I know some kids who are brilliant (and wise).

Although people like to lump the phrases together I’d like to point out that saying please and thank you are not the same as sir and ma’am. A person actually has to do something to earn a thank you. And requesting someone to do something deserves a please – all regardless of age.

We live in a culture that says it rejects discrimination. In theory, it doesn’t base treatment of others on race, sex, religion or … age. (It’s a lofty and noble ideal. I hope we actually reach it one day.) It is in discrimination that the sir/ma’am tradition is based – upon nothing but age. Call it like it is.

So make your choice to say ma’am or sir or not; but don’t do it just because you were told to or because you don’t want to offend someone because either way you go you WILL offend someone. Know why you do it and be prepared to defend it with solid reasoning other than “respect,” “etiquette” and “I was told to.”

Thank you and you’re welcome.